The Misery Business

A few weeks ago, I was having lunch with my friend Miffy (not his real name, of course - but if you knew him, you'd realize how fitting a name it is), and I was kvetching (from the Yiddish - to complain, to bitch, to moan) about a client and how they were making me nuts. He said, "Well, if misery loves company..." and I stopped him. I said, "No - I don't know who came up with that, but misery does not love company. What does that mean, anyway? If I have a mysterious toe fungus, I would love for you to have a mysterious toe fungus as well? No; misery should not love or even want company unless misery is just a sadistic old so and so."

Upon reflection, I realize that I may have been mistaken.

Misery does love company, but not just any company. It has to be the right company. If I'm getting hit over the head with a hammer, and I'm really not enjoying that very much, would I want my brother, or my wife, or even Miffy to get hit over the head with a hammer as well? Of course not - I don't want them to suffer and it would do me no good anyway. They are the wrong company. However, if the fella smacking my noggin with that mallet were to feel the hammer from my perspective - perhaps if, for every time he hit my head, he had to hit his own head as well with equal force, well then - that is company that I would love. No, not simply love - adore. Because maybe, just maybe, if Crazy Head Hammer Guy feels - actually feels - how much I'm hurting, and it hurts him that much as well - perhaps he will stop the hammering. Maybe he'll turn over a new leaf and become Really Remorseful Aspirin Dispensing Guy instead.

Which brings us to the latest financial markets.

Our beloved Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke (Bernanke....the most beautiful sound I ever heard...) has been of late the wholesale distributor of aspirin to us in the form of interest rate cuts. Heck, the other day, he was just plain giving it away with a 3/4 point cut in the overnight lending rate. They haven't done something like that in decades. So why now? We've been dealing with financial hardship for quite awhile; why are they acting so aggressively now? Because the folks at the top - the Masters of the Universe - the nasty guys swinging the hammers and trying to knock every last penny out of us - well, they're finally starting to feel the pain as well...and it's about time.

The powers that be are starting to feel what we've been feeling for quite awhile and - surprise, surprise - they don't like it. So here comes dear Mr. Bernanke (They call the wind Bernanke...) with rate cuts and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson (a far less musical name, unlike Bernanke - Bernanke! Bernanke! One helluva guy!) with the President's great and powerful stimulus package. Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhh! Great and powerful stimulus package!

Yeah - 300 to 600 bucks a piece. You'll get your check in May. And they want us to spend it as fast as humanly possible. With that, and of course some big business tax credits, this package will make everything all better again. Debt Daddy's reaction to this package? Well, in cyber terms, I am ROFLMAOPMPBAGFLSHDGIMNMA! (translated - Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off, Pissing My Pants,Busting A Gut From Laughing So Hard, Dear God, I May Need Medical Attention). It's ridiculous. It's ludicrous. And it's a prime example of how much Rich America is out of touch with the rest of us. The total rebate for my household will be $1,800, which is a little less than half my monthly mortgage payments. In their scenario, I'm like a crack addict in need of a retail fix and I won't even wait for the check to clear before I run down to the mall and pick up a new flat screen tv, or a new set of 14 carat gold toe rings, or that snazzy cappuccino/espresso/ravioli maker I've had my eye on - it really doesn't matter. In their scenario, I simply can't be rational with money, and will spend it on pretty much anything in order to get that retail rush. Corporate profits will rise, the GDP will appear solvent, and confidence will return to the markets. Blind consumerism will have once again rescued Corporate America and her bloodsucking CEO's, and all will be right with the world. Their world, anyway.

Of course, in my scenario, that's not gonna happen. That money will go where pretty much all my money goes - paying down the debt. I'm hoping that the large majority of Americans do the same. I'm hoping that this stimulus package does absolutely nothing to stimulate the economy because, if it does help, then the country will go back to business as usual, and that's simply unacceptable. Call me un-American if you will, but I've been enjoying the last few months. I enjoy hearing that Bernanke (he's Bernanke...boys, he'll make you happy...yeah, yeah, yeah) has dropped interest rates again....and again....and again. I giggle when I hear mildly panicked radio announcers asking financial experts the same question over and over an over again - "Are we heading for a recession??" - as if we weren't already in one. You and I and most of America - we've been doing the recession mambo for quite awhile - but now these guys are finally starting to hear the music.

Well, welcome to the financial whack-a-mole machine, fellas! How's that hammer feel?

This whole thing is gonna get worse before it gets better. But, ironically enough, worse for them is better for us. If we take that rebate and pay down our debts instead of spending it, they may give us more rebates to "jump-start the economy". If the Richies continue to be scared and run to Bernanke (Beeeeeeeeen - Bernanke when the wind comes sweeping down the plain!) to save them, he'll lower rates again...and again...and again.

And so it goes. It's no day at the beach, but hey - at least now we've got company.