Ooooh, I feel a RANT coming on

Okay, so this client of mine has been on me to do these oh-so-ridiculous pesky little chores around her house. She called me in April and I said I would be available around the end of May. I've already done half the crap on her list and would've finished were it not for a day of rainstorms yesterday (I will not do exterior painting in the rain...I know, how utterly unreasonable am I?? What a frigging diva Debt Daddy has become). I call and leave a message to tell her that I will be painting tomorrow since I want the wood to have a day of dry time from the rain, so as long as she leaves the paint on the porch (as she said she would), I'll take care of it in the morning. Well, she calls me at 7:30 in the evening to say that that the paint is in her car, so I can't paint til she gets back on Friday, but did I get the stuff that will always keep her skylight clean (another goofy thing on my list of vital responsibilities)? I said that I would probably be able to do that by Saturday. Her response?

BIG SIGH.

Just FYI, Debt Daddy frigging HATES the Big Sigh. Did I mention that she's calling me from the Hamptons?? I just got done working a 10 hour day, but I didn't get the miracle elixir that makes the skylight magically clean for all eternity, and that makes me fully deserving of the Big Sigh from the retired lady of frigging leisure out in the DAMNED HAMPTONS???

"Why haven't you been able to do that yet?", she asks. "I called you in April; I thought you'd have been able to take care of that by now." I explain that I'm in the middle of three major jobs (this is my nice way of saying that I've got people with much bigger fish to fry than your pathetic SKYLIGHT ISSUE!!!!) She says, "Yes, you told me that in April." Which I did. Guess what - the jobs were bigger than I thought they would be - go figure. I mean, that never happens in contracting, right?? Things always get done on time and under budget, right??? So, I apologize and tell her that I will get it right this second. I get off the phone, drive to Home Depot, find the stuff she's looking for (Rain-X - it's a water repellent for windshields - do not use on plastic - what do you wanna bet her molded skylight is made out of plastic?), buy the paint and primer that I know she already has in her car ('cause I'm not coming back again on frigging Friday), and come home to resume my previously interrupted life, already in progress. I'm gonna go there tomorrow, get all the little crap done, leave a bill and a note telling her to mail me the check. And then I am done with The Leisurely Lady of the Big Sigh.

Am I over reacting? Of course I am - that's pretty obvious, even to the oft obtuse Debt Daddy. It was just the straw that broke the contractors already strained and damaged back. There's a line in the musical Pippin - the king is married to a conniving woman, but she's really hot, so he keeps her around. Anyway, at one point in the show, after she's kind of screwed him over, he says, "I don't know if the fornicating I'm getting is worth the fornicating I'm getting". That's kinda how I feel right about now.

I am probably the best deal in town as home improvement dudes go. I do very good work at a verrrry reasonable rate, I'm honest, I barely, if ever, mark up my materials, and I strive to do my best. This means, more often than not, that I take my time. I don't rush things; I hate seeing slapdash work, and I don't like the idea of having my name on something that's half assed.

So that's problem number one; I take too long. As a result, people of the instant gratification age end up getting impatient and I occasionally hear the Big Sigh. I've even had one client say to me, "I just want to get it over with". Well, hell - why on earth am I even trying to do quality work? Comments like that make me feel down on the whole project - I may as well just go get them an IKEA unit that looks like what I'm building and slap my name on it. Comments like that make me want to just throw the thing together and get it out of my shop...but I can't. I still feel the need to make something that I can be proud of, even at the ridiculously low price that I'm charging.

Which brings me to problem number two - people are frigging cheap. It's not enough that people call me with no real idea of what they actually want done or how they want it done (so I then have to be design consultant, lifestyle coach, psychotherapist and occasionally...dog whisperer (your 200 pound Newfoundland who just crushed my testicles with a lethal headbutt seems to prefer the area by the bay window - why don't we install his mahogany doggie bed there?) - it's not enough that people think I can stop time (we'd like the gazebo over here - the materials will be delivered on Friday and the backyard wedding for my daughter is on Sunday - you can have it built, stained, polyurethaned and decorated by then, right?) Right...and your daughter's wearing white because she's a virgin.

No, that's not enough. On top of all that, they're gonna give me a hard time over my price. There's a line in the movie Michael Clayton - "I am not the guy you kill; I'm the guy you buy. Are you so blind you don't even know what I am?" Well, for me that line would read, "I am not the guy you haggle with - I'm the best buy around (and you know it too, because we both know you didn't call me first); are you so stupid that you're gonna nickel and dime me to death?"

It's pathetic. And I'm sick and tired of dealing with it. Now I know why so many contractors are those type of slapdash, overcharging, not taking the small jobs type of guys - they were made that way by homeowners. I get it.

So what's a guy to do? Cross over to the Dark Side? Become one of those guys? Maybe. It'd be a helluva lot easier, that's for sure. I don't know how much I'd like myself, but at least then the fornicating I'd be getting would be worth the fornicating I'd be getting. It's either that, or change careers.

The restaurant thing is, for now anyway, a bust. It looked like a great opportunity, and it's something I would very much like to do, but my friend Fluffy was pretty much the lynch pin in this particular enterprise, and frankly, his total and complete inaction in taking the very simplest of steps toward making this happen is telling me not to hang my hopes on this star. It's time I came to grips with the fact that Fluffy hasn't the desire, drive or balls to step outside of his comfort zone and take a chance. I really thought that this time he might - he talks about this all the time, and the restaurant thing is totally his gig, but there's this fear of failure on his back that's gonna ride him to his grave, and there's nothing I or anyone else can do about that - that's his shit to deal with, and there ain't no changing that.

So, it's on to something else, although I'm not sure what. I'd ask for suggestions, but reallly - I asked you guys what your favorite comfort food was and you'd think I had assigned you to write a Euclidean haiku about flan. Mac and cheese. There...see? Easy. Cheesecake. Took me all of two seconds to write that one. Don't worry - if comfort food was too much of a strain, I'm not gonna ask you about major career choices.

That's my shit to deal with..and there ain't no changing that.

Thus endeth the rant.